the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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