Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
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