then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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