Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
