the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
