You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I smell like Dick and happiness
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Randomize
