If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
