We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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