Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
