I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
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