Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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