I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
