needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
