I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Randomize
