its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Randomize
