I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Still dying that you shit outside
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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