So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize