dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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