Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Randomize
