She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
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