so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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