So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
