Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
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