Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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