just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Randomize
