grandma shit on top of the toilet
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
two words...techno handjob
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
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