I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
PANTIES FOUND
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
