Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
