You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
I just googled if crying burns calories
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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