i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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