What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
