And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Randomize
