I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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