the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Randomize
