she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
