I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
