She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize