You made eat vitamins until I threw up
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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