New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
