i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
