My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
