I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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