she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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