9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
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