I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
