peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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