who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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