I want to bang chis in dee ass burt he be hating on me times two. Me be tryin ti love onu
Bendover
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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