Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Randomize
