Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
