I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
