Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Randomize
