Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
If lil wayne asked you to lick him like a lollipop I feel that you would willingly oblige.
Unfortunately I think I would lick most anyone's lollipop.
It's your form of community service; servicing the greater SDSU area.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Randomize
