I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Randomize
