I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
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