There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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