youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I don't deserve a penis
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Randomize
