Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
