Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
We left the knife in your bed.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
