dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Randomize
