btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
