Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Randomize
