It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
