Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
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