how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize