dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
