Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
