I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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