I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Someone signed my nipple.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
