I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
