even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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