I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
