I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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