for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
