So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Randomize
